Sunday, June 22, 2014

Tag-team review: Dreamcatcher

Because our last tag-team review went over so well, Matt Bellamy and I decided to take on another movie for your reading pleasure. This time, we opted to tackle a flick we know isn't Good, just so we could provide some entertaining insight on a production that had everything stacked in it's favour -- including an uber talented cast and crew and first-rate source material -- yet literally and figuratively shit the bed . . . I mean toilet . . . I mean shit in the toilet . . .

Yeah, we watched Dreamcatcher.

Jason: Shitty movie. Too long. It's a long, shitty movie. Ugly.

Matt: Honestly, I just want to be the first to say "how about those shit weasels?"

Jason: This movie is just long, and shitty. And had I not read part of the book, would have made no sense at all. Actually, having read part of the book, it still makes no sense.

Matt: ...Why did they have psychic powers? Oh, right, it gets explained OVER AN HOUR INTO IT. We're just supposed to assume for the longest time that these four best buds are special for absolutely no reason, and that they can creep women out by finding their lost car keys. Got it. Just like real life!

Jason: The mentally challenged dude was an alien right?

Matt: You mean Donnie Wahlberg? I think he was just playing himself, Jason. I can't be one hundred percent positive on that but I am a doctor.

Jason: Nice! I bet that was his Scooby Doo lunch kit too. In all seriousness, this movie was all over the map, took itself too seriously, and actually looked cheap despite the Hollywood bucks thrown at it. Good cast wasted. Talented filmmakers phoning it in . . . while high I assume.

Matt: I feel like we should have been high while viewing it, that might have aided our experience! Anyway, so basically, the movie is about four guys who have been best friends since childhood, and after rescuing a mentally challenged kid named Duddits from some high school jocks, they are rewarded with psychic abilities because why not? Then 70 years later, or 30, I don't know... several years later they go to a cabin in the woods and are attacked by slugs that crawl out of the anusus (anusi?) of lost hunters. *cough*

Jason: I Duddits!

Matt: Jason Lee, Thomas Jane, Timothy Olyphant, and Damian Lewis play the friends with explosive diarrhea which results in the potential collapse of humanity as we know it. I just call that Friday Mexican Night. Hey Oh! Duddits!

Jason: I can't remember much more about this movie at this point, actually. Other than Tom Sizemore using John Wayne's pistol to shoot Morgan Freeman and his gunship out of the sky. Yup. It's that kinda movie.

Matt: Let's not forget about Morgan Freeman either channeling his very best R. Lee Ermey impersonation! What a casting mistake that was, you could tell that he did not want to be there, and I'm fairly positive his prosthetic eyebrows were slowly sucking the life-force out of not just him, but this entire farty flick. That's right, "farty" because this movie has more flatulence than a campfire on the set of Blazing Saddles.

Jason: I called it at the beginning, and I'll say it again, Dreamcatcher is fucking Ugly.

Matt: Read my mind Jason, you can do it. What am I thinking right now? Let's Duddits this shit! Dreamcatcher gets a Good! No, wait, Ugly.

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