Monday, February 25, 2013

Mike S tweets Excalibur

Once a week our mad twit Mike S from the Corner of Terror will shanghai The Basement's Twitter account and tweet along to a non-horror movie, all for your Internet pleasure. Cool, yes!?! We think so. 

On Oscar night he decided to give the self-congratulatory mess that is the Academy Award's the middle finger and travel back to the age of King Arthur with John Boorman's Excalibur. Below are his thoughts in 140 characters or less.

Hey, folks- ready for some mad tweets? Let's get this movie started, eh!

Wow... I haven't seen the Orion Pictures logo since 1998. They made some decent movies.  

The opening font reminds me of that Beatles cartoon "The Yellow Submarine" for some reason...  

Shadowy figures in armour hacking and slashing at each other in a forest = great way to start a movie.  

Merlin kinda looks like Peter Sellers...  

Interesting reason for being king: "A naked chick in a lake gave me this sword... the one I just stabbed you with."  

: I tried to kill you yesterday- but let's feast together tonight!

: We feasted together last night- but today I'm going to try and kill you.

I can't help but think that Merlin wouldn't be above allowing King Uther to die horribly...  

Amazing that the guard's aren't wondering why "The Duke" is back so soon...  

: Impaled due to a bird scaring your horse.

And we have medieval boobage...  

You'd think it difficult to have nookie while wearing armour... but apparently not.  

Of course the kid watches you... you're the reason her dad's dead, you douchebag Uther.  

I love Merlin's little skull cap helmet.  

Good job bodyguards... good job at protecting King Uther... not.  

Cue Jean Luc Picard... I mean, Patrick Stewart, on horseback kicking ass at a fair.

"Yes, father- I pulled from the stone. I beg your forgiveness..."

Damn, they yelled a lot back in the medieval ages it seems...  

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to run with scissors (or in this case, swords)?  

When Merlin is talking to Arthur about the Dragon, and the lightning strikes, something tells me he's kinda just making it up.  

Picard's kicking ass and taking names with a mace...  

Wanna gain friends? Just get knighted while chest deep in swamp water by
  
I think Merlin is both wise... and a little mad...

: Hears Merlin say his love's name... but not that her and his best friend will betray him.

I wonder how much time Sir Lancelot takes to polish his suit of armour...  

Who does Lancelot's hair? It's so... curly...  

Arthur broke ... and its warranty ran out a couple hundred years ago, too...

Awww... a riverside start to Arthur's and Lancelot's bromance...  

Oh, Picard... You never should've introduced Lancelot to your daughter...  

Lancelot is like a medieval rock star- what with his having groupies and all...  

Oh, be careful, Merlin... it's like the cake all over again- take a bite and it's too late.  

The priest marrying Arthur and Guenevere looks a bit like George Carlin...  

Do you really expect to take out Lancelot with a KNIFE, Mr. Sneaky Thief Who's Not So Sneaky?  

Perceval's got an interesting way of auditioning to become a knight's squire- stalk them, kill a rabbit, and run after the knight  

At least Lancelot's TRYING to avoid temptation... Gotta give him credit for that at least, right?  

: Seeing the future is like a cake- you never truly know until you take a bite... and then it's too late.

: Where does evil hide? Where you least expect it. Always.

Okaaaay... I guess since they had boobage at the start, they must show Lancelot's naked butt to balance it out.  

Lancelot's hair is still perfect after a joust and mace fight.  

"No riddles? Just a simple, 'Yes'? That frightens me."  

Aaaaand cue the forest nookie...  

The deer drinking at the river is a nice touch... balances out the nakedness of Guenevere and Lancelot...  

Oh, Merlin- why did you have to trust her? You should've known better. Now you're a giant paper weight.  

Yeah, I'd imagine wearing armour during a lightning storm could be very hazardous to your well being...  

Why would you follow a laughing person in gold armour in the middle of a creepy forest?  

I'm thinking a bunch of these other knights followed Mr Gold Armour deep into the forest too. Now, they're "hanging" out...  

Nothing like a Near Death Experience to show you where the Holy Grail is... well that and Monty Python...  

I wonder if Schumacher got the idea of the "Bat Nipples" in "Batman & Robin" from Mordred's armour.  

I'm really not sure I'd be inclined to follow the sound of howling and wailing into the creepy woods...  

Damn, that Grail could hold a bottle of wine almost...  

: The music playing as Arthur and his knights ride out to battle Mordred is from Orff's "O Fortuna".

was Liam Neeson's 4th film. He plays Sir Gawain.

Damn, Merlin- you're one bat shit crazy theatrical bastard, you know that?  

Female armour doesn't quite cover much, does it?  

Morgana demonstrates the dangers of smoking in bed...  

I love how the song "O Fortuna" is playing in the distance as if it's following Arthur towards Mordred.  

Lancelot's swinging that spiked club like a mad man... with hair to match.  

King Arthur & Mordred: Kinda of a Vader/Luke thing... but without the love.  

Love the gore dangling off the end of the lance thrust through King Arthur...  

With the sword back in the lake, and Arthur dead, the tweet along to ends. My rating: The Good.  

Tune in to @camethebasement next Friday at 7 p.m. PST as Mike S. tweets along to another non-horror film.

You can follow Mike S @TerrorCorner

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