Saturday, February 11, 2012

Jason and Shawn review: Rage and Tales of an Ancient Empire

Rage

Jason: A true cautionary tale. Remember kids, it's not polite to steal another man's parking spot. He might hunt you down, rape your wife, and make a mess of your face. In all seriousness though, this is a solid little suspense film with a brutal conclusion. The game of cat and mouse starts with harassment and becomes increasingly more violent as it goes along, exploding in a gruesome yet tasteful climax. Too bad Witherspoon didn't have enough of a budget to show us all of the gore, but we get a taste. This harkens back to films like Duel and Carpenter's Halloween and, although it isn't quite the classic they are, I will enjoy watching this again and again. A Good from me.

Shawn: Wow. This was a pretty cool movie. It was well made, well shot, well cut. That being said, I have some issues and they have nothing to do with the presentation or actual viewing experience. First off, if I knew some clown ass biker dude was chasing me after he cut my brakes, then chased me home after I got them fixed:  eeeerrrrch! SMACK! You just splattered on my back window. There was some super potential here and I dug what they tried to do, but there is no way I would allow any of these events to play out like this. Most guys with a set of balls would agree. I give it a Bad.

Tales of an Ancient Empire

Jason: A better title would be Kevin Sorbo and the Four Hot Chicks. Definitely would have brought in more box office, at least on opening weekend. Then people would have realized what a shit movie this is and demanded a refund. Huge chunks of the story are explained rather than shown. This is the kind of flick where you get a bunch of friends together, drink beer, smoke some weed and laugh at how shitty a movie it is. It could become a cult hit really, but I'm still giving it an Ugly and moving on.

Shawn: Hi Kevin Sorbo. This is where you've been hiding? You are far too good an actor for super off the map stuff. I guess. Or you just shined here in this slopfest of a movie. The movie was all kinds of slop and ended the same way. Probably because everyone in the movie hated it as much as I did. The end credits were 15 minutes long? Eff you! I saw some nice boobs though, and some girl-on-girl tease action, but I gotta give this an Ugly. And would someone give Sorbo a real job? I think he can do it.

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